bEauTiFuL, aNgeL-fAcEd mOnsTeR

"haVe yoU eVeR feLt sO aLonE aNd nOthiNg seEms tO maKe seNse? ? weLL that’s hOw i feeL riGht nOw. . i fEeL LikE i’M faCinG eVeryThiNg bY myseLf wiTh nOthiNg bUt tEarS aNd a FaKe smiLe. ."

damn dat smarts, , have you ever cried so hard that blood started to come out? ? out of each orifice, ,and pour freely into your hands? ? have you ever wanted so badly to die, ,that you screamed out to a god in case one was there to strike you down dead? ? have you ever felt like giving up, ,like you’re on the point of collapse? ? have you ever wanted to get up and get away from it all? ? have you ever wanted to scream at the top of your lungs, , but you can’t even breathe? ? have you ever tried to breathe and no air will come, , and all you can do is sit there until you nearly blackout? ? have you ever wished for a gun so badly so that you could put it to your head without hesitation? ? have you ever wanted to focus your attention on something else, ,  but nothing but the ache in your head and your heart come to mind? ? that’s how i’m feeling right now, , that’s what’s happening . . there are just too many things going on in my life at the moment. . it’s one heck of the hell ! ! im really tired. . too much to digest whats happening to me, , my studis, , friends, , my surroundings! ! i can’t even concentrate or focus to something that is very important to me right now. . im getting bored of getting this kind of life. . THEY’RE BORING ME! ! come to think that i was really very dissapointed to myself , even them. . ! ! its not that they played me. . or they made me "tanga" all along. . its that the mere fact/thought is that all along i thought we were alright. . nothings wrong. . i ddnt mind what’s happening to my surroundings coz i thought it was normal to me. . but suuddnly a friend of mine. . opened something, ,i was shocked ! ! didnt expect! ! i was really the least person made pansin of wat they have told me. . all i did was absorb all their opinion, , pains, , "hinanakiT" etc. . guess wat i did. . i kept my mouth shot! ! to avoid further circumstances. . but then again. .dis past few days. .  all of them . . ! ! i heard their curses, , their hinanakit. . i felt their anger. . but wat can i do. . i’ve been thinking this past few days what should i do to stop dis nonsense. .  all came to me at the wrong time! ! i can’t absorb all this. . ! ! my studis. . my personal/private life, , my peers. . f*ck! ! i want to do something. . i want to help! ! but how!?!? i don’t feel like writing it all down. . yes, , to avoid something, someone. . so im going for a run to clear my head, , to make my body ache, , to exhaust myself so that i’m not up for another two hours crying. . ! !

- A STRANGER STABS YOU IN THE FRONT; A FRIEND STABS YOU IN THE BACK; A BOYFRIEND STABS YOU IN THE HEART, , BUT BEST FRIENDS ONLY POKE EACH OTHER WITH STRAWS. .

i hope diz qoute helped you in any way 2 understand/realize wat im talking about in my entry today. .

-ciao

FRIENDSHIP/MY FRIENDS

“BEST OF FRIENDS”

My friends call me ‘melai’, my best of friends call me ‘lai’. People might not care or even bother the difference between them, but for me it is something that has to do with my life. I missed being called ‘lai’. But this past few weeks dada’s been there for me, she’s just a txt away though we don’t see each other for months, she never fails to txt me, I missed her so much, as well as cess, majz and mhel. I missed being with them, making them laugh, hanging out with them like when we were in high school. I can’t wait for the month of April! Dada will be coming home and staying for the whole summer with us. Yey!! My best of friends – friends/people I least expect to have foe with. Nobody calls me lai except them. *true friends*

“COLLEGE FRIENDS”

Tiffany, my so called second mom celebrated her birthday last February 14. We had a date, luncheon date. She’s so special to me and one of my closest friends in school I admire her, being practical in all things, something that I don’t have.

These past few weeks, in school, I only hang out with tiffany. I don’t know why. We eat together, do our ass, make kwento etc. and guess what, I soon realized when I don’t even feel or even had to talk with my regular girlfriends. I didn’t expect that we would end up like this. Though we don’t hang out or do the things we usually do as long as our friendship lives. My ever dependable girlfriends, who were always there to help me, assist and accompany me with our school activity and organization projects. Thank you!

“FRIENDS”

It’s a great feeling that someone cares for you, someone loves you as a friend, a friend who I just met last semester and became close recently. I didn’t expect, and I least expect that a friend like ‘___’ would care so much to me. At that very moment, when we had a ‘___’ to ‘____’ talk I decided that I would never let ___ down. I did not made a promise that I would do what I’ve told ___ but I’m wiling to let every word I said will be put into action. ‘____’ been there for me even though we don’t see each other everyday but ‘___’ never let a single day to greet or check on me. Thank you!

“I didn’t mention a name to avoid trouble”

“ALIEN FRIENDS”

Goodbye! For now, though we had a great time these past few days/weeks. Thank you for your time and the company. Though I was just playing around, looking for someone to hang out with when I’m down. Sorry if I’d used you for my own happiness. I was selfish that time. Sorry if I was. But anyway, thank you! I had to say goodbye for now because I wanna be the old melai again. I missed her!

“LOVE LIFE” – “FRIEND OR FOE”

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves. But for now my love life is empty or should I say I don’t have something to share when it comes to love. It’s because I don’t have yet my special someone, I’m busy with my studies, school work; projects to be passed; exams. .gggrrrrr! I don’t have a boyfriend but I do have lots of ‘_a_ash’ haha J . have lots of lots of plans with my so called lovelife when I’m not busy with my studies. I need to prioritize first my studies coz it’s been a hell for me this first and second semester this S.Y 2005-2006. I was so disappointed with my grades, even with my behavior. I was lost and I need to get back were I should be. I can’t turn back time but I can make most out of it, though it wasn’t what I expected to be. Yeah I’m available but commitment, a big NO for now. I’m still enjoying, melai is still playing! Having fun! And I don’t care if some people hate or will hate my actions. Who do they think they are! Who are they to impose what’s wrong! They’re so inhuman! I don’t give a damn with their life, and they should do the same. I’d love and care a lot to people who do something that gave me a reason to give my faith/trust, my loyalty, my love, my friendship, my word. Something that no one, nobody can ever take it away from you. As long as you’ve been true to yourself to people, to your loved ones, that is something.

Frankly, I did expect something, I thought that every word they said to me, would never be broken/4gotten; would never wrote in the sand where the wind can erase it. But I guess the higher you expect, the harder you fall. True! But never mind nalang what I just said a while ago. “a person can apologize endlessly, and even if ‘you’ ‘forgive’ them sometimes you can’t forget the pain they‘ve caused you”

-//-

It’s been a torture for me this week, everyday exam, , I didn’t have enough time to review due to some s2pid behavior of mine. haha

*ciao*

-meLai

i do NoT wiSh 2 b eVeryThiNg 2 eVerYoNe . . . buT i dO wiSh 2 B suMthiNg 2 suMoNe! ! !

——    ——-      ——          ——      —–        ——         ———-    ——— —— ———-

heY theRe! ! havNt pOsTeD oR eveN upDatE mY bLog fOr aGeS nOw. . DerS nOthiN mUcH 2 TalK aBoUt aNywaiS. . hekhek

iM nOt feeLing weLL dIz pAsT fEw DaYs . . doNt haVe tyM 2 paMper mYseLf oR eVeN sPend  tYm wiD mY mOm. . can’T eVen thiNk. . caNt concentRate wiD mY stuDiz. . skUL woRk? ? i becaMe iRresPoncbLe. . .huhu i donT knOw y. . first i wAs haPpy! ! taKe nOte HAPPY. .! !haha        *week 1 of d mant of januAry. . iM woRRy-fReE. .i wAs haPPy. . i LovE mYseLf frOm dat daY on. . i enJoYed beinG wiD my hiSkUl barKaDA last xmAs bReaK. . misS deM. . itZ LyK we wErE stiLL in hiskUL. .LafiNg 3P, ,fud3p. . hmpf. . bUt we’Ve maTurd na! ! i spenD mY nEw YeaR wid My MoM en a FrEn. . hehe         *week2. . it was ouR fOunDation dAy. . didNt attenD buT i weNt to waTch d seArch-Mr & Ms MMSU . .made ukray hakhak. . . stiLL im haPpy daT weeK. .       *weeK 4. . reguLar cLassEs as uSual. . buT stiL i hV dZ hangOver. . mY miNd/bRain wasNt working dAt weeK. . hehe suM littLe prob. . a liTtLe disapointmEnt bUt dedMa! ! ! hu de heLL *__* wAs 2 haTe my actiOns. . haha i havE a LyF. .eN i coNtrOL en do waTeveR i wAnt. . hakhak shocked? ? hehe nuthiN actuaLLy. . juz a littLe miscommunication. . misunderstanding. . ‘intimidate’ ? ? ?haha      *week5. . SCUAA. .i weNt 2 sKuL wid FreNs bUt didnT aTtend d SaiD activity. . i onLy wenT 2 wAtch d fieLd deMo en watChd d seaRch. . even d conceRt of CueshE at LaoaG. . haha by D waY. . i oLwaYs cuM huM LaTe. . LabaS aKo nG haWs eArLy 8am en cuM hum 12am, 1am. . haha. .insPyt dat attituDe, , mY moM didnt scoLded me or eveN question mY behavior dat week. . weNt 2 spenD en hanGout wid freNs. . mY so caLled aLien frendS. . hakhak. . i was stiLL hapPy daT tym. .       *week 2 of the maNt of FebRuarY. . cOmputer weeK! ! haha i enjoyed eN i hAd sum fUn duriNg oUr zOnaL iT cOnvenTion. . kunti lang ang LaLash nun buT it was worth it. . hakhak. . waT haPpend during d conveNtion. . xakiN naLang poH un. . hehe i speNd mY spAre tiMe wid freNs. .i had sLeePless nyT during dat weeK. . deN here cuMs d sAd paRt. . 1st i was happY. . i wEar daT smiLe dis paSs few week buT suddenLy it turned 2 souR. . i weAr dAt LoneLy face. . i donT knOw. . maYbe deR arE thiNgs i ddnT expeCt 2 HappeN. . thiNgs dAt u dont undeRstand. . haha 2 b honesT. . i was manhid dis paSt feW weeK. . i wAs selfish. . oL i eveR thinK and cAre was myseLf, , meLai wAs "PlaYfuL" Dat tym. . buT i deseRve 2 enJoy, ,en speNd my tyM wid freNs. . deRs nuthiN wrong wiD dat. . ryT? ? iVe beeN feeLinG empTy. . .! ! ! probLems. . skuL work. . dedma! ! !haha buT it wAs a big sLapped N d faCe 4 me. .2 thiNk! ! aurghh. . . 4geT it. . emotioNs .. hmmpf i cried. . haha i crieD weN i reaD d BloGdriVe oF dada. . hmpf. . reason Y i cried? ? ?  hmpf. . sikwet. . hakhak. . i was also hurt wen mY bebe shAred a liitLe prob. . didnt expect daT i was emotionally "?????" haha dat tym. . yeS i waS manhid dis pasT few weeks. . ddnt caRe d feeLings of d ppOL around me. . ddnt appreciate dem eitheR untiL dAt big sLapped deY gave me. . ThanK yoU for daT waKe up coL. . ! ! ! haha buT dEn aGaiN . . iM reaLly much disappointed. . ! !

"YOU DON’T HAVE TO SMILE, , YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE MY STYLE, , YOU DON’T HAVE TO HATE MY ACTIONS, , I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, , AS LONG AS YOU KNOW I AINT NO GAME, ,SO DON’T PLAY WITH ME, ,JUST WATCH WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOUR TALKIN BOUT ME, ,CUZ I DON’T WANNA BREAK THAT SIDE, ,YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE MY NAME IN YOUR CONVERSATION, ,WE DON’T HAVE TO AGREE AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE ME—AGAIN, ,AND ITS ALL RIGHT WITH ME, , BUT AS LONG AS IM AROUND, ,YOU BETTER RESPECT ME. . "